PLA040 Colleen Card's Unauthorized PLA

Colleen Card's Unauthorized PLA040

Written by Colleen Card on September 28, 1996

Since RBCP is so lazy and doesn't want to write anymore PLA I've decided, in the spirit of dhate, to release my own issue of PLA once again against RBCP's will. My issue will be even less useful than his are because I've written very little to do with phones or computers. Oh yeah and since RBCP thinks he's too manly to do it himself, I suppose I'll have to be the one to announce the birth of our daughter Emily which happened nearly five months ago.

Oh the joys of motherhood are tremendous. Laundry, dishes, feeding the baby and changing diapers. RedBoxChiliPepper sure has his work cut out for him. Meanwhile I'm trying to educate little Emily. We're starting out easy with red boxes, but she just keeps drooling on the circuit board. We have high expectations for her though and are hoping she'll be the first Phone Loser that actually knows how to do anything.

So if you'd like to read something technical, go build something and send us a submission. We aren't bright enough to do it ourselves. But if you are looking for tons of laughs we do recommend Calvin & Hobbes.

In other news, Nekid Amy of PLAGIF07.GIF had sex at Defcon in somebody's bed, shower and on their floor. To protect the innocent we won't be releasing victim's name but if you ever attend another con stay away from this nappy bitch. Rumor & speculation suggests she's carrying more variations of VD that any human being has ever endured and that touching her will make you die instantly. Being in the same room only makes you nauseated so that's why Defcon wasn't as cool as it usually is. Secret sources indicate that after infecting the entire Granite City, Illinois area, she's moving on to 303. Be careful.

I hope you enjoy this issue and check out our web page because RBCP thinks it's neat and if you don't agree with him his feelings get hurt. So visit and don't tell him how much it sucks. He's sensitive. I'm also starting a new page called Colleen Card's Coupon Craze at beginning in October where you'll be able to get a great bargain on some stunning PLA merchandise. Impress your friends, get grounded by your parents and all that. 4 out of 5 hackers agree that our t-shirts aren't quite as lame as erikb's MOD-LOD shirts but pretty damn close.

Colleen Card

A New Life For All!

Working 9 to 5 and getting nowhere? Does it seem like you never have the time to accomplish your goals for a brighter future and a stronger psyches? Do you believe someone should be required to cook and provide all of your meals for you? Are you tried of maximum work for minimum wage and having no health care or even being able to afford cable TV or cigarettes?

A L L T H I S C A N B E Y O U R S !

At our facilities we take care of our guests. Room, board and three hot meals a day. We provide outdoor activities, have an extensive library and numerous athletic facilities. A structured environment where you can even continue your education!

How can I have all this? All it will cost you is your dignity. So go out and commit a federal crime. Live on the edge, do bad things, hack into hundreds of out-of-state systems without covering your tracks, make threatening interstate phone calls to the president and get back what you've put into uncle sam today.

Paid for by the Lets Throw Everybody In Jail So The Government
Can Have Complete Control Like The Commies Party Party.

Kitchen Improvised Peanut Butter & Jelly

Ready for some real anarchy? Read this file and follow the instructions. You'll never be the same again. I, Colleen Card, am not responsible for the outcome of this article. You are acting on your own will and I cannot be held responsible for your actions if anyone gets hurt or the police come knocking. Use common sense.


  • (1) Plate (glass preferred, but paper will work)
  • (2) Slices of bread (generic is fine)
  • (1) jar of Skippy peanut butter
  • (1) jar of jelly
  • (1) spoon (make sure the scoop is concave)
  • (2) butter knives (do NOT use a sharp knife - you'll get grounded)

    An optional accessory would be a glass of milk but there's no need to get fancy because it won't last long. Most of these supplies and Ingredients can be obtained through a local grocery store or Army surplus shop. I would have included a chemical equivalency chart but space didn't permit.

    1) Set the plate down on a smooth surface. The kitchen counter will work just fine but if you're sloppy (i.e. have never does this before) you'll have a mighty big mess to clean up.

    2) Set the two slices of bread on the plate next to each other facing opposite directions. If you have them going the same way they won't fit together correctly in the end and you'll end up having to start over and waste all that product.

    3) Pop the lids off both the jelly and the peanut butter. This is usually done by twisting the lids counter-clockwise but some brand names open differently. Consult the instructions on the top of the lid if you have any problems.

    4) Use the spoon and take one heaping scoop of jelly out of the jar. SET THE PEANUT BUTTER OFF TO THE SIDE so that you don't accidentally drip any jelly into it. Using the spoon, carefully set the jelly onto one slice of bread. Using one of the knives, spread the jelly evenly all over the slice being careful not to drip any over the edges.

    5) After securing the lid to the jelly and setting it off to the side, take your peanut butter and use the second knife to take a scoop out of the jar. DO NOT attempt to use the same knife you used for the jelly even if you've washed it off really good. This could contaminate the peanut butter rendering the rest of the jar useless. Use the knife to spread peanut butter over the surface of the second piece of bread. Basically use the same technique as you did with the jelly but you'll notice the texture is a little different.

    6) Okay, the easy part is over with, now for the difficult stuff. Make sure you're in a well-lighted area so that you don't screw this part up. Chances are that you won't get it right the first time. Don't be discouraged, just start over. Take the slice of bread containing the peanut butter by the far edge and flip it over on top of the slice with the jelly so that the jelly and peanut butter mix. Carefully adjust the top slice so that the edges are even with the bottom slice all the way around.

    Okay, that's it & you've done it! It might be a good idea to push the whole thing towards the center of the plate to reduce the risk of the plate tipping over if you decide to pick it up. Hope that you get plenty of use out of this as us here in the PLA have.

    Police Log

    Below is a police log that an old friend sent me last year. He says that he was so smashed this night that he doesn't remember a thing that happened and just woke up in jail one day. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

    Burglary I $5500.00
    Kidnap II $5500.00
    Att. Burglary I $5500.00
    Criminal Mischief II $1000.00
    Criminal Mischief II $1000.00
    Criminal Mischief II $1000.00

    On 01/01/xx at about 0438hrs Michael Simms was arrested on Burglary I, Kidnap II and other charges when he broke into 16053 SE Stark St. #146, Portland, Robert and Margaret Etten's residence.

    On 01/01/xx at about 0422hrs Sgt. Shingles and I were dispatched to a disturbance of an unknown person pounding on the door at 16053 SE Stark St. #146, Portland.

    We arrived and began getting multiple reports of someone pounding on doors. Then we got a report that the person had broken a window and made entry into one of the apartments.

    Sgt. Shingles found Michael Simms crouched down attempting to hide by the apartments. I went to meet them. I observed that Simms was soaking wet and very muddy. I saw that his hands were cut and bleeding.

    I detained Simms and read him his Miranda rights from a prepared card. I asked him if he understood his rights and he said, "yes."

    I smelled a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage on Simm's breath. I saw that his eyes were red and watery. He had difficulty standing & staggered when he walked.

    Sgt. Shingles found that apartment #146 had been burglarized. He contacted the residents Mr. and Mrs. Etten. They told him someone had broken the kitchen window and came into their apartment.

    Sgt. Shingles took Simms by the victims' window to see if they could identify him. Mrs. Etten said that the man was definately the one that had been in their apartment. Mr. Etten had moved to a different window to look out and didn't see the suspect.

    I observed that there was glass all over their kitchen from the broken window in the kitchen. I saw that the kitchen window faced the back of the apartment. I observed dirt on the kitchen floor. There was blood on the refrigerators.

    I saw that outside the back of the apartment was the kitchen window screen. I observed that it was all cut up and had holes poked in it. There was a large wooden cupboard on the back porch that had been knocked on its side. There was also dirt on the read door and a foot print. The screen door was open and had not been damaged.

    Deputy Guider took pictures of the damage to apartments #144, #145 and #146. He took statements from witnesses and wrote a special report. I took the window screen as evidence. I also seized a black kershaw knife and a screw- driver from Simms as evidence. I gave Simms a receipt for his property.

    Mrs. Etten told me she thought she hear an explosion. She told me she thought it was because of New Year's Eve. She said that she looked out of her bedroom window and saw a bush moving all around.

    Margaret told me she heard a pounding and a crash. She said she looked in the kitchen and saw glass all over. She told me she tried to call the Health Center but must have dialed the wrong number.

    She said, "I was scared. I looked up and saw him standing there." She told me Bob, her husband, tried to call 911. Margaret said the man took the telephone receiver off the hook and put it on the desk. She told me Bob started for the door but the man stopped him. The man was showing them the phone off the hook but saying "This is the door, don't open the door or they will come and get me."

    Margaret said the man was in the house a good long time. She said he went into the bathroom and turned on the light. She told me he combed his hair and turned on a "blower."

    Margaret told me the man was raving and rambling. She said he wasn't making any sense. She said he said leave the phone right there. He pointed at the phone and was saying that's the door, don't open it.

    She told me she absolutely identified the man that we brought by her window. She said that there is no question that he was the man in their apartment.

    Robert told me he heard a great pounding. He thought someone was working next door because they had been doing some remodeling there. Then he said there was a big crash. He told me he was walking out and came around to the kitchen. He saw a man standing in their house.

    Robert Etten said the man was pointing out towards the back and saying, "That's it over there." Robert said that the man was trying to say the problem was over there and wasn't him. He said that the man was incoherent in his talking. He told me he could hardly understand him.

    Robert said the man wanted him to do something but he didn't know what. He said his wife tried to call the health center and he called 911. Robert said the man was at least 6ft tall. He said we just obeyed him we didn't argue with him. He said, "Boy did he tear the place up."

    Robert told me the man took the phone off the hook. The man told him to leave it like that and don't touch it or they will get me. Robert said the man didn't want him to go to the door. When he went to the door, the man said "This is the door," (as he was referring to the telephone). He told him not to touch it or they would come and get him.

    Robert said he unlocked the front door but didn't open it. He said he knew the cops were coming. He told me he didn't argue with the man. Robert said he noticed the man was slurring his words and didn't make any sense. He told me the man went in the bathroom and came out.

    He said that the man wanted him to push III on the telephone. He told me he just did it but didn't know why. Then the man tried to push the buttons himself and just pushed a lot of buttons. The man crawled back out the kitchen window.

    Michael told me that he maybe fell into a window. After that he denied breaking a window. He kept telling me to look at the blood on his hands so I could tell it wasn't from the window. He also said that just because there was blood on his hands that didn't prove he broke the window.

    He said he saw cops. He said, "I'm not stupid." Then he wouldn't explain what that meant. He told me he was walking through and a bunch of cops were questioning him and arresting him. He said, "I didn't steal anything." He said, "For all I know I should be sitting in Detox."

    When I told him witnesses had identified him, he said that the witnesses were probably a bunch of old people. He said, "I don't know anything, what the hell happened.", "I did not break into an old folks home and break a window."

    Then at the jail he said that there was probably someone else there that did it. He said that if there was someone else then maybe it was this one guy but he didn't know his name.

    1 knife
    1 screwdriver
    1 window screen


    TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20: You are a stubborn buttface. You should be nice and do what everyone tells you to do.

    GEMINI MAY 21 - JUNE 20: You are psychotic and have multiple personalities. On the 20th the moon will rise to the day and make the night conflict. Buy mass quantities of Snickers bars this week.

    CANCER JUN 21 - JULY 22: The planets urge you to turn off your computer and go talk to a girl. On the 11th you might have a threesome assuming you're not a fat slob with zits on your butt. If the later is true, buy a PLA t-shirt.

    LEO JULY 23 - AUG 22: You have a big mouth. If you have blonde hair, dye it brown. Your mom feeds you too much cheese-whiz. A mysterious transvestite will msg you if you get an account on AOL this month.

    VIRGO AUG 23 - SEPT 22: The fruity-ass motherfucker formation of the planets will compel you to read recent back issues of Phrack and order lots of t-shirts from erikb. Wearing one of his stylish LOD-MOD t-shirts will create financial rewards and maybe cause you to get lucky. (Yeah, right, with Nekid Amy maybe.)

    LIBRA SEPT 23 - OCT 22: If your parents go out of town on the 15th, you may get to watch the Porno Channel if you can figure out how to hack the parental control unit on top of the set. If not, the formation of the stars may allow you to play with Rosey Palmer & her five sisters.

    SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21: Take a deep breath and keep anxieties to yourself. The new moon of the 17th will result in the completion of a working red box and maybe the loss of a few pimples.

    SAGITTARIUS NOV 22 - DEC 21: Many Reeses peanut butter cups are in your near future. Work & money claim most of the archer's attention this month. If problems persist, take your frustrations out on the OCI operators. Their number is 1-800-288-2880.

    CAPRICORN DEC 22 - JAN 20: Mars & Sun will bring job success to your future. All you need to do is fill out the application at McDonald's.

    AQUARIUS JAN 21 - FEB 19: This month begins with the moons coinciding with a federal raid to your apartment. Don't bother encoding all your valuables because you will be released when the FBI's janitor accidentally throws away your notebook full of codes.

    PISCES FEB 20 - MAR 19: Venus's fourth moon on it's fifth rotation on the 17th at the east-west polar axis compel's you to order many songs from the automated Send-A-Song service by dialing 1-800-272-7664.

    ARIES MAR 20 - APR 19: We are such stupid losers that we can't think of anything else to write so consult the anarchy files on your local bbs to learn how to make a fake ID, changing your birth sign from Aries to one of the others above.

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