Almost every newspaper out there lets you call in the ad you want to have in
the paper and then they send you a bill for it. In other words, it's free.
Look in your local paper and judging from the ads that are in there, think up
something that would be a really hot item to sell such as a house for rent.
(Houses and cars usually get the best results.)
Call the paper and tell them that you're Chris Tomkinson and you want to put an
ad in the paper. Have something ready like, "Nice 3 bedroom, 2 bath, garage,
den, dining room, great neighborhood, $300/month, $200/deposit." Compare your
ad to the others in the "For Rent" section and be sure that yours is the very
best deal in there.
As a phone number to call to inquire about the house, leave two. "Call Chris
Tomkinson anytime 24 hrs at 635-8312 or 635-9207." The first being his work
phone number and the second being his home. Now when an awesome deal like
you've put in the paper is seen, it gets a tremendous response. I'm talkin'
about his telephone ringing constantly for two days straight at the least.
He'll get in big trouble with his boss at work for recieving 2 billion calls.
Even if he's able to convince his boss that he wasn't responsible, he'll
still look bad. I mean, what would your boss think about all this happening?
If he lives with his parents, he'll probably get in trouble with them too.
Messing With His Phone Service:
My all time favorite, disconnecting his service. First, call the billing
office and have his line password protected. This means that anyone wanting
to make any changes in his service will have to give the operator a password
that you'll choose. Sometimes the operator will want to call back and verify
that it's really Chris. Tell her that you're never home when they're open and
she'll say "no problem" and ask for his social security number. If you know
it, give it to her. If not, go crawl under something and die or go to the next
A few days after you've password protected the line, call the billing office
again and tell them that you've moved out of the house already and you need
the phone disconnected. They'll ask you for the password and disconnect the
service, asking where you want the last bill sent to. Give them an address
out of state.
Now after Chris's line goes dead he's going to have one hell of a time
convincing the billing office to hook it back up because you've password
protected his line. He really has no way of proving that he is who he says he
is because he doesn't have that password. You do.
Harrassing Other People:
You can really get people annoyed at Chris if you call them up about five
times a day, state his name and hang up. You can do this to his employer, his
school, his friends, his family, anyone he knows, even the police station or
businesses that he goes to often.
In your spare time when you're bored, pull out your list of phone numbers
related to Chris, dial one at random and when the person on the other end
answers say, "Chris Tomkinson", listen for the reply and hang up. Pretty soon
people are going to start to despise that name.
If you know of a store that Chris shops at frequently and writes checks at,
call that store a few times a day and say his name. The clerk will immediately
recognize his name when Chris writes him a check and will probably ask him
about it. And I know his boss would get annoyed at ten calls a day that simply
state Chris's name and hang up. Pretty soon Chris's boss is going to be sorry
he hired him.
Check your newspaper's police blotter and front page every night for a major
theft that's occured in the neighborhood. Something like, car stereos being
stolen or maybe a school being broken into and computer equipment being
Call the police station from a pay phone. "Hello, I want to make an annonymous
call about the theft the other night involving the car stereo. Uh, I know who
the guy is and he's been stealing car stereos and radar detectors ever since
I've known him. I'm just starting to feel sorry for the people he's ripping
off and want you to stop him but I don't want him to know who I am or he'll
beat me up." Sound really whiney and nervous, "His name is Chris Tomkinson and
he lives at (wherever). He keeps all the stuff he steals either hidden in his
closet or hooked up in his room and most of it all still has the serial
numbers on them..."
You get the idea. The police will want to move in on this horrible criminal
and will probably get a search warrant so they can look for evidence. I did
this to one guy and they didn't get a warrant but the kid's mom just let them
in his room while he was at school. They ripped his room apart looking for
stolen stereo equipment and didn't find anything. They created quite a mess
from what I heard, though.
The Yellow Pages:
This is probably one of the best things to do and can even become a major
news event in your area. You pull out the 'ole phone book and open it up to
the yellow pages. Now, starting from the letter "A" and working all the way
to "Z" call up every single business in the book. Set up an appointment with
every company in there for (example) Wednesday morning at about 10:00. Give
yourself a few days to do it all and get all the appointment as close together
as you can.
You can probably see what's going to happen. Wednesday morning at 10:00 his
street is going to be totally filled up with a truck from every business in
the entire area. From exterminators to furnace repair to roofing estimates,
they'll all be there asking for Chris. (Try to make sure he's going to be
home when they come.)
On Wednesday morning you'll want to make some calls. At 9:30 call up every
pizza delivery place in the area and have a couple large pizzas sent to Chris.
After that, call up all the taxi cabs and instruct them to come to your house
to take you shopping.
Tuesday night you'll also want to make some calls. Every T.V. station and
newspaper in the area will want to know that "something big is going to
happen on Sullivan street" in the morning. Don't tell them what, just tell
them that they'd be stupid not to get coverage on something like this. Also
call up all your friends and have them call up their friends. Instruct them
all to show up on Sullivan street at about 9:45 am.
As this will be an historical moment, bring a video camera and tape the whole
event just in case you're not happy with the camera work of the T.V. stations.
You might want to call in a false report to the fire department that Chris's
house is on fire just to get them there and add to the confusion.
I have done this only on a much smaller scale. I skimmed through the yellow
pages and pick out about 30 business to show up at a victim's house and did
the pizza a fire truck thing but the media never got involved. There was
quite a traffic jam on his street with just those few trucks there and I can
imagine what it would look like with 10 times more and a camera crew.
The time-honored tradition of giving Chris a subscription to every magazine
that was ever made. Go to your library and rip out those little subscription
cards out of each one. If a librarian asks you what the hell your doing tell
her to go piss up a flagpole and continue your task.
Now take this big stack of cards home and fill them all out in Chris's name
and send them in. Almost every one of the cards will already have the postage
paid for so you won't have to worry about the cost of stamps.
Now me, I could care less if someone did that to me. I would get a little
pissed off, though, if someone were to use my name on the subscription cards
and send them to my friends or employers. So try this. He'll get a couple
issues of each magazine until they get pissed off that he's not paying for
them and stop his subscription. For a few months after that they'll harrass
him about paying for the magazines he ordered but he won't get into any kind
of trouble because of it.
Some magazines let you use a credit card to pay for the subscription. Use
someone else's card and when the owner of the card gets his bill, they'll
investigate it and eventually narrow it down to Chris's address.
Ruin His Credit:
Drive to a city where nobody will know you or Chris. Check yourself into a
hospital emergency room complaining of sudden chest pains and really severe
headaches. Before they're able to treat you they'll have you fill out a few
hospital forms. Put your name in there as Chris Tomkinson and use his social
security number, address and phone number. If you can, try to forge his
signature if you know what it looks like.
They'll look you over, maybe take a blood sample, an x-ray or two and they'll
tell you your fine. After they've done a lot to you, tell them you're feeling
much better and it must have all been in your head. Go home.
In a couple of weeks, the hospital is going to start sending Chris a bill for
a couple thousand dollars. (Hospitals are extremely expensive.) They usually
send only two notices before they turn the matter over to a collection agency
who will call Chris every couple days and ask him why he hasn't paid his bill
yet. They'll also threaten to "take legal action" and so on. If Chris tries to
explain to them that he never went to that hospital, they'll assume he's
lying. They hear that excuse every day.
Collection agencies are full of shit. They can't really do anything to you
except send you notices but when you refuse to pay them you're screwing up
your credit rating. I know a lot about collection agencies seeing as I never
pay my bills. I went to a hospital once for strep throat and they bothered me
about it for two years after that.
Hit And Run:
Just like the police blotter deal, find someone who is a victim of a hit and
run. Call the person or the police and make an annonymous report that you were
there when it happened and you saw the license plate on the car. Give them
Chris's plate number.
There's a million little tricks you can play on people with those mail
forwarding cards you get at the post office. Here are some ideas.
o Forward all of Chris's mail to London, England.
o Forward all of Chris's grandparents mail to Chris's house.
o Forward all of Chris's mail to his place of employment. His boss will get
really irked when Chris starts recieving mail there.
o Forward his best friend's mail to Chris's home.
o Forward his mail to his school.
o Forward his mail to the police station.
o Forward his boss's mail to Asia.
Have AT&T Investigate Him:
Using a stolen calling card number, call Chris constantly at his home from a
pay phone and keep him on the line as long as you can. Only call Chris with
this card. When AT&T sees that he's getting all these fraudulent calls,
they'll ask him about it. Just make sure you don't call from your own phone
even once or you'll get into trouble. Always use a pay phone.
If possible, use remote call forwarding and forward Chris's number to a number
you'd like to call only dial "0" first so you have to enter a calling card.
This will make it seem as if the card were used from his home.
Add Chris to as many mailing lists as you possibly can. Whenever you see
a business advertise, "Free Information!" call them and give them Chris's
address and phone number. He'll recieve oodles and oodles of junk mail and
they'll always call him trying to sell him something. Get as many companies
involved as you can. Pretty soon they'll be delivering his junk mail in a
Everyone loves a gift, even older relatives. Find out the names and addresses
of all of Chris's older relatives. Look in the back of a Cosmopolitan or
nudie magazines at all the fun, sexual items you can order with a credit card.
Send grandma a vibrator, grandpa a penis extender. Send his girlfriend some
kind of sex cream "from Chris" and she'll get mad and break up with him.
(Either that or she'll fuck his brains out.) Also, send Chris's parents some
items to liven up their sex life and see if they appreciate it.
Oh, and don't forget Chris's boss. He needs to be a member of the Gay Rights
Club or maybe needs some instructional videos on sex education. His teachers
at school could probably use the same thing. When asked who it's to be sent
to, give them his boss's name and tell them to put it "c/o Chris Tomkinson" just
to be sure he knows who's responsible.
The Bank Account:
This works the same way that the credit card canceling thing works. Find out
which bank Chris uses and call them. Tell them you're away on vacation and
your Aunt just informed you that your house had been broken into. The thieves
took all of your banking stuff including your checkbooks, savings passbook,
and ATM card.
They'll immediately put a "freeze" on his account and he'll have to go
through extra steps when he tries to withdraw and money. If he writes a check
it probably will bounce and if he tries to use his ATM card the machine will
eat it and he won't get it back until he's cleared up things with the bank.
The Church Of Jesus Crust:
They have this handy 800 hotline where you can call in and tell them you'd
like to speak to someone about religion. They ask you your address and send in
one of their goons to your house to talk to you and start sending you all this
religious junk mail. And Chris will probably appreciate the free bible. We all
know how persistant and annonying these people can be so give them a call! The
phone number is 1-800-952-3131.
Order call forwarding to his line. Then, by whatever means you have to, forward
his calls to somebody that you know would trace the call, such as TWA Airlines,
The White House, local 911, etc. For this example, let's say we forwarded his
calls to TWA which is 1-800-221-2000.
Now constantly call up his number over and over and you'll reach the airlines.
Harrass the reservation lady to death and keep claiming that you've put a bomb
on one of their airplanes. Do this over and over and stay on the line for a
long time. Pretty soon, they're going to trace the call back to Chris's house
and he'll probably get arrested. Keep in mind that when calling locally, ANI has
been known to pass straight through to your own number. Find out for sure by using
an 800 number that reads back your ANI.
Even better would be to beige box into his line and call a lot of different
numbers all night and threaten them all. In the morning he'll have accusations
coming from all different difrections.
Fun Things To Do To Stupid Neighbors:
This last section of this file was written by someone named Delta Burke. Some
of the ideas were so funny and creative that I just had to include them.
This little article is for everyone out there who has a next door neighbor who
is, in your mind, the worlds biggest asshole. I have neighbors that fit into
this catergory perfectly. You know the ones, stereo up louder than hell in the
middle of the night, water their lawn during a drought, etc... Well take
heart, because I have just the answer for such idiots.
1) Next time they go away on vacation, or even for just the weekend, call
the utility company, Ma Bell (or whoever the phone co is.), and the cable
company. Using their name (obviously), tell them to shut off the
respective utilities, since your are going on a trip for about a month.
Most of the time, they wont ask for any other info except for phone
number. If they ask for anything else, just hangup quickly and forget it
as it isn't too easy to explain why you dont know your own social
security number. If all works well (and it usually does), they will come
home to a fridge full of bad food, plus no heat or air conditioning and
no cable tv and phone. Pretty nice, huh?
2) If they leave on vacation, and you are a hacker/phreak/BBS'er, here is
your chance for free phone calls to everywhere! Simply go into their
yard and locate their phone box. Using your lineman's phone (or a regular
phone with alligator clips instead of a modular plug), find the active
phone line inside the box. Run a shit load of wire back to your house,
thru your window, etc... Install a modular plug on your end and plug it
into your modem. Now make all the long distance calls you want. Don't
worry, those of your with a heart, the neighbor's wont get billed for
the calls after they call Ma Bell and claim that they didnt make them.
Most of the time they will let you off the hook.
3) One night, after the neighborhood is asleep, sneak over into the
target's yard. Proceed to turn on ONE faucet, so that water is gushing
out all over the place. The value of this joke is that the target's
water bill will be outrageous after about 3-4 nights of this, especially
during drought season.
4) If you have the asshole neighbor who has the stereo on LOUD at all hours
and the police wont do shit (what else is new), here is the solution.
Sneak into the yard, and find the breakerbox. If the stereo is up this
loud, they wont hear you in the yard. Locate the switch that matches the
room that the stereo is in. Or the closest to. Flip the switch and run
like hell back to the house. Or if you are more daring, sit in the
bushes or something and watch them come out. Most of the time, it will
take doing this 2-3 times before they turn down the stereo.But its worth
it when you have to sleep.
5) Do your neighbor's have a barking dog? If so, heres the solution.
A) Call the pound repeatedly, using another neighbor's name and address,
but your number. Call at least twice a night for about a week. The
complaints will stack up, and the target's will most likely have to pay
a healthy fine.
B) Get a package of hot dogs and any kind of medicine that induces
shitting, like Exlax(you will have to melt it down). Pour the secret
agent shit inducing substance on the hot dogs, then toss them over the
fence to the dog. If it is a small dog, I suggest throwing one at a time
as little dogs don't eat as much as big dogs. Spot or Fido or whatever
the hell his name is will be shitting EVERYWHERE for days. Loads of fun
for the target.
6) Kill their lawn. This can be achieved with any kind of poison, paint
thinner, or even piss. Simply pour as much of the stuff as you can all over¨
the lawn and wait a few days to a week. Lovely brown spots will start to
show. Nice effect. Try writing words with paint thinner.
7) Do they have a CB radio that interferes with your tv?
Use the old standby. When they are not home, sneak over and shove large
straight pins into the coaxial cable to the antenna. Next time Joe
Dickhead keys up will be his last time. This easy trick works due to the
fact that it shorts the cable together. When he keys up, it will blow
the CB right off the table.
8) Do they park in your driveway or in front of it? My neighbors have
teenage kids who have teenage friends who parked in front of the
driveway. I fixed that by taking some large nails (about 4 inches long)
and placed them on each side of their tires at a 45 degree angle. Two
per side, heads on pavement, points to tires. When they drive off,
instant flats on all four tires. Try to get them to not park there
asking first. If they don't care to listen, then use the nail trick.
9) Other easy and annoying tricks:
Use JB Weld or any other metal weld substance on their mailbox door.
Unscrew all the light bulbs on the outside of their house just enough so
they won't light.
If they have an annoying cat, capture it and take it about 10 miles away
from where you live and let it go.
Get some cow or horse shit and place it in a large paper bag. Place on
porch and light on fire. Then ring door bell.
If they have a hot tub or pool, get some goldfish and place them in it.
If you can get some lake or river fish, they work even better.
Place small rocks inside the hubcaps on their most used car. The effect
is awesome. They will go crazy from the sound.
If you get into their car, place a heavy guage jumper wire from the horn
to the brake switch behind the pedal. The result is the horn honking
everytime they step on the brake pedal. A sure fire winner.
If you are daring, capture a skunk and let it loose in their yard. Just
think about the fun this one can make.